Smaller on the Inside
by Bria
Summary: The Doctor Hates Goodbyes. Doomsday/Journey's End. This is more the Doctor's internal thoughts as he says his goodbyes than story but it was necessary self-therapy. Two-shot.
1. Doomsday

This is my first fanfiction in over 10 years. I'm rusty and only started with the current Doctor Who last month. I made it through all 7 seasons and now I see fanfiction back in my life. Brilliant!

**Doctor Who doesn't not belong to me. If it did there would be no need for this story because the Doctor and Rose would be together forever. So there. :) In other words, the BBC owns all.**

D.O.C.T.O.R.W.H.O

It was time to say goodbye again. The Doctor hated saying goodbye. Time, circumstance, death, all these things eventually separated him from his companions. Sometimes it was the right decision at the right time, but so often it broke his hearts. This break would be the worst of them all. He knew Rose could not stay and yet he couldn't bring himself to say farewell to her.

The Doctor sighed. Call it weakness but what exactly do you say to somebody who has helped to heal your tortured soul and mended your hearts? How do you say goodbye to them? Oh, the times he had had with Rose. The light and laughter she had brought to him, starting back when he'd been all leather and gruff. He'd even died and regenerated, just to save her. He would go on, he always went on, but he would never be the same. As he worked at the computer, Rose was vocalizing his inner feelings, saying what he could not. He didn't want this separation any more than she did.

_/I've had a life with you for nineteen years. But then I met the Doctor. And… all the things I've seen him do for me. For you. For all of us… For the whole… stupid planet and every planet out there. He does it alone, mum. But not anymore. 'Cause now he's got me./_

Could the Doctor take any more of it? His mind was brilliant but he knew there was no way around this. The Void was inevitable. He would not lose Rose to that. It was better to let her go, having had the chance to spend part of two of his lives with her. His eyes locked with Pete's as he put the chain around her neck. She would be safe there and that was all that matted to him. He pressed the button and just like that Rose was gone. His hearts broke once again.

_/I think this is the "on" switch."/_

And yet a moment later there she was! Rassilon, that girl! Rose Tyler was nothing if not stubborn. Didn't she see? The Doctor didn't like this either, but did she really understand? Was she willing to give up everything? Not just her world, but her family to be with him? Was he really worth that her?

_/I made my choice a long time ago and I'm never going to leave you. So what can I do to help?/_

Perhaps it shouldn't have come as a surprise to the Doctor but it did. Yet he had taken similar action. He had offered Rose the chance to travel with him after their first adventure together. She said no and he'd stoically tried to take that in. He'd stepped in the TARDIS and departed. Only to return moments later not ready to say goodbye. Why should it be any different for Rose? She had told him forever before, and apparently she had meant it and everything that entangled. He'd accept her decision, even if he thought she was making a mistake to give up her future for him. The Doctor would spend the rest of the time they had together, however long that may or may not be, trying to be worthy of that kind of devotion and love.

But the Universes, the Powers that Be, whatever you wanted to call it, they would not allow it. Apparently they had other plans. The Doctor watched frozen, unable to do anything as Rose struggled with the lever. This was worse than anything he could imagine as he watched her slip away. He screamed her name in absolute terror. At the last moment Pete appeared and grabbed Rose before vanishing. The Doctor gasped and closed the breach.

Feeling older than he ever had before, the Doctor walked to the wall. Somehow he knew in the parallel universe, in Pete's world, Rose was on the other side. So close together and yet so far apart. If he had only said goodbye perhaps things would've played out differently, perhaps this would have gone smoother. He couldn't go back to his own timeline, no matter how hard he wanted to, he just couldn't make it right. But the one thing the Doctor could do, was give her a goodbye.

D.O.C.T.O.R.W.H.O

From inside the TARDIS the Doctor called to her. It had taken a while to be able to do this but finally everything was ready. The TARDIS seemed slightly smaller these days. As if there was not quite as much room on the inside. Much like his hearts. The spark that was Rose Tyler was gone from his life but she would never be forgotten. He knew he shouldn't burn up a sun just to say goodbye, but he would do it for her, for his brilliant Rose, so she could go live her life. He didn't want her to carry the ache that he felt, nestled deep inside, for every companion, every friend, and every family member he'd ever lost. That was the curse that was a Time Lord's cross to bear alone. He loved her and their time together and was so proud of her. At long last she needed to know that.


	2. Journey's End

**Doctor Who doesn't not belong to me. If it did there would be no need for this story because the Doctor and Rose would be together forever. So there. :) In other words, the BBC owns all.**

D.O.C.T.O.R.W.H.O

As the Doctor and his friends flew the Earth back home he wished the trip would never come to an end. It was a moment of pure happiness and Rose Tyler was right here beside him. He dreaded what was going to come next, but he still enjoyed the moment to the fullest while it lasted. It felt great to have the TARDIS filled and piloted the way she was meant to be and to be amongst so many friends. Moments of such utter success and joy were so few and far between.

After saying goodbye to Sarah Jane, Jack, Matha, and Mickey the Doctor knew that it was time. His final trip in the TARDIS with his Rose. Their time apart may have given him time to accept not being with her, but it had not, nor would it ever, make it ok. She had been a perfect companion, a balm to his weary soul. Not a perfect person, but a person that fit him and what he needed perfectly.

The Doctor knew it would be harder on her this time. Harder because she had worked so long and hard just to reach him. She truly had wanted to return to him and fulfill the promise she had made to him to be with him forever. The depth of the love she had for him almost took his breath away. Being a Time Lord he knew there were things he could not change, and that even if he could, ultimately death would still someday separate him from his beloved. That allowed him distance from the situation even if it left his hearts in shambles. Rose might have understood it on a base level, but as she had not lived over 900 years, she couldn't completely comprehend it.

It would also be harder on the Doctor as well. Losing Rose for a second time was incomprehensible. He had never dreamed he would get to see her again let alone that he would have to leave her on the beach, again. But this time he wouldn't have to leave her alone. His metacrisis would be there for her but that would not be the same. He would not get to know the joy of being with her.

Landing back at Bad Wolf Bay, the Doctor said his final goodbye to Rose. Filled with love for her and wanting her to be able to move on, he released her. Now instead of telling her he loved her but was still leaving her behind, he gave her the gift of his double who needed her as much as she need him. He knew the path would not be quick or easy for them, but they would find a life together as long as it was what Rose wanted. No longer able to dance among the stars, at least for a while, they would be able to delight in being together instead.

Speaking of delighting in one another… the Doctor watched Rose throw her arms around the new Doctor and kiss him. If he thought it had been hard watching Mickey kiss her, or other guys pay attention to her, it was nothing like watching Rose kiss his double. How could somebody basically be jealous of himself? Yet the Doctor wanted to be the one to touch her and love her. He wanted her arms wrapped about him and her lips kissing his but instead took comfort in the fact that the emotion she was expressing was love that started with him. It still was not an easy thing to watch though so he turned away.

As one final gift, the Doctor did leave behind a piece of the TARDIS with his double so that he and Rose could eventually travel the universe once again. It would be awhile before that would happen, so there was plenty of time for them to grow together. Eventually though he was certain that the new Doctor would travel in the TARDIS with Rose Tyler. Just as it should be.

The Doctor stepped back in the TARDIS with Donna, his hearts and even his soul, feeling heavier than they had ever felt before. He'd said his final goodbye to Rose and now he had to do the same with Donna. The Doctor knew what was going to happen even if he had kept it from both Rose and Donna– a human brain simply could not survive the knowledge of a Time Lord. The relationships he had with Rose and with Donna were so totally different but both were essential to the man he was now. It was not fair that he should have to give them both up, in the very same day, but so much in life was not fair.

The only thing the Doctor could do was look forward. He would not, and could not, go through losses like this again. He would journey on, but the journey would be solitary because the Doctor could handle no more goodbyes. He couldn't bear a TARDIS that felt any smaller on the inside.

* * *

A/N: Well there you go. Obviously I decided to go with the deleted TARDIS coral scene since I love it. Not totally satisfied with what I produced but that is usually how it is with my writing but after several days of working on this, it's what I've got. I hope I was able to accurately portray what the Doctor was feeling inside at the end of both Doomsday and Journey's End. It's definitely what I think he felt but your mileage may vary. Reviews are encouraged.


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